Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
there was a trapeze. enough said
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
