she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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