tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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