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I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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