I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
