He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
