I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
