you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
