I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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