I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
