I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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