Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he fucked my hip out of place.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
