Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
