so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
