i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
