just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
