Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
