ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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