On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
