rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
