My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
