Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
