I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
