He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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