Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
