i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
