Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
