Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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