Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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