I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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