dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize