I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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