is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
