Michael Bay diarrhea
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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