I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
