One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
