seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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