Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize