What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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