can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
