like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
