I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
