Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
