you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
