I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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