I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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