but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
