I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
