go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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