It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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