my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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