I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
