I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
