i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
