Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize