What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
