Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
