that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
