If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
