Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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