Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
