you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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