Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize