if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
