Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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