Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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